Life Goes On

Some of you have noticed my intermittent posting of late. It's not only that I started teaching and got busier. It's not only that I struggle with the time I spend on the internet, believing that it's healthier for me to get offline. It's also that, unfortunately, my doctors have diagnosed a recurrence of the cancer for which I was treated three years ago. I am responding extremely well to treatment, and do not have to have chemo thank God. But it's a "come-to-Jesus" moment for me, and I am changing my life in many ways.

One change: I have long felt a philosophical problem with this blog. For four years I've been trying to post "signs of hope." In the meantime I have felt great despair about the state of the world. Now I discover that some think there's a connection between repressed anger and illness.

It's time for me to be honest and quit keeping silent in the face of the world's miseries. I am very angry. I am angry at what my government has done in my name; I am angry at the State of Israel; I am angry at right-wing Lebanese who call themselves Christians and yet flout the teachings of Jesus; I am angry at anybody who uses violence: suicide bombers, fighter jet bombers, cluster bombs, suitcase bombs. I am angry at what Republicans and Democrats have done to democracy in this country. I am angry at what we are all doing to the natural world for our own selfish greediness. I am angry that I got cancer and I am angry that many women in my country can't get treated properly for their illnesses because our health care delivery system is so screwed up. I am angry at what happened in Nahr-al-Bared this summer, and I am angry at all the militaristic jingoistic people in America and Lebanon who think that their soldiers do anything to "protect" them.

This list could go on and on.

I am not going to be polite and hold it in any longer. I am not going to let my anger kill me. And I am not going to die of cancer because Lebanon is in agony. Lebanon has been in agony for much of my life. I have taken it too much to heart.

Is cancer a disease of anger? Many of my rational readers might disagree. I don't know. But now that I am fighting for my life, I am not going to be so goddamned polite any longer. If you don't like my anger then you can lump it.

This dove is sick of it. Literally sick of it.

So I am indeed on a diet, a news diet, in which I try to spend less time reading about all the ills of the planet. I've unsubscribed from most of my news feeds. I don't look at Peak Oil or Climate Change blogs anymore. I don't follow any crises although I can't help but let a little news from Lebanon in. My children are beautiful, my husband loves me, my family worldwide is praying for me, the October sun in California is liquid gold, my body is vigorously healthy in many ways (and getting better - I've had some positive progression since beginning treatment a week ago). I can walk three miles in the hills without tiring. I can play on the beach with my children. I don't know what the future will bring but I refuse to submit to despair, to anger, or to doom and gloom. It's all but shadow.

We are spirit embodied and all evil is just a mirage, a shadow which can be dissolved with enough light. My life has been infused with light in the last few weeks of tests, worries, doctor visits. Despite the fear and sadness of this process, I have been filled at times with great joy; and at other times I feel simple peace.

That's what I tried to get at when I first started this blog. In the midst of great horrors there is always a still center of great bliss. Anybody can find this at any time. I have and I do.

Today the lady who trims the vegetables at the produce stand said to me: "You are so healthy now! You no sick anymore. You throw sick away!" She knew I was ill three years ago but knows nothing of this recurrence. People who don't know compliment me on how well I look - my energy vibes health as well. A woman in my metastatic cancer support group said yesterday "Are you sure you have cancer?"

Look, I have a hard time believing it too. I absolutely believe I will recover from this one... but only if I tell the truth. Maybe I'll just shut down this blog. Or maybe I'll rant like this and lose all my readers. Maybe I'll tell you about all the prayers, and the psychic chiropractor, and the herbs, and the cascaria bath prescribed by my friend the Yoruba priestess, and the miraculous appearance of a Melchite abbot just when I'd been praying to see him. Many of my readers are confirmed atheists, rational scientists - you can sign out here if you think this stuff is nuts. I have been keeping too much of my self silent on this blog and now it's time for a big change.

Good night.

Comments

[Maloof]

Rant away! You won't lose me. I'm a firm believer that keeping it all inside is not healthy. I bet you felt a lot better after typing that post!

I'm sorry that you're feeling stressed about your health. It must be very scary for you. You'll be in my thoughts. Take care, my friend.

[M Bashir]

I am not leaving too. Whenever you type, I read. Rants, cascaria bath, Melchite abbot, psychic chiropractor, whatever. I am really sorry to hear about your illness. You have our prayers and thoughts. You will overcome.

[Rachel]

I am so sorry to hear that your cancer has recurred.

What you say about looking for / trying to post signs of hope -- and realizing that your repressed anger is making you sicker, certainly on an emotional and spiritual level -- makes a lot of sense to me. I applaud your decision to be open and honest, with yourself and with us, about all of these.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[sillybahrainigirl]

Hugs!

[Leila]

Moussa, Rachel, Silly BahrainiGirl, Maloof - thank you all so much.

Love,
Leila

[Cee]

Expressing your feelings is the key to your staying healthy.
Been there. Done that. Still here. What a miracle!

I'll be praying for you.

[Alison Chaiken]

I understand your anger and sympathize with it. Fury about the issues you list is a rational response. On the other hand, I've just returned from a full weekend of working on a volunteer trail-building project in your neighborhood: Joaquin Miller Park! For various reasons, the volunteers were mostly lesbians, Moonies and mountain bikers, and participants ranged in age from teenagers to septuagenarians, with all major racial groups represented. Today I can't help but feel that the glass is half full and that diverse groups of people can work together to solve problems.

Take good care of yourself, and get back to your blog when you have news. Best wishes, Alison

[Richard Silverstein]

May I wish you a r'fuah shlayma ("complete recovery") in Hebrew? Maybe it will help align the warring forces of the spiritual universe?

I don't know the answer as to whether blogging makes things better or worse for someone who is ill. But I know having you around makes things better for yr readers & we hope you'll be here for a long time.

[Craig]

I just discovered your blog while I was searching for a recipe for slikh (blackeye beans and spinach - only I'm using green amaranth leaves). By coincidence, my grandfather was Karim Abu-Saba from Mishtaya, a village just north of Lebanon near the Krak des Chevaliers castle. He emigrated to Pittsburgh in 1910. Orthodox. Maybe we're related! I admire your conciliatory approach but think you are absolutely right to let the rage flow, too. I first saw the camp at Nahr el Bared in 1961 and followed the river inland to my grandmother's village. It was the first time that I understood what had happened. Everyone has lost from the stupid war and the irrational greed for a few parched hectares of farmland on the West Bank. Who really needs it? Why is it made out to be so important? Sorry. I'm not making you feel any better!
Love and best wishes for good health,
Craig

[Stephen Frug]

Leila,

I am so terribly, terribly sorry to hear that you've gotten sick again. All my hopes for a speedy & full recovery.

Stephen

[Leila]

Cee - amen and thank you.

Alison - you know I have a great deal of hope when I think local. I'm glad you were at J. Miller park doing a work party - the Bay Area (heck, the whole country) is full of such community efforts. And yes, our diversity here in Oakland (and the rest of the area) is encouraging.

For a while I had a series going titled "My America" - I still occasionally tag posts in this category. Today I had reason to look at it. (see under categories on the right side of this page) You know, it gave me some hope!

Richard and Stephen, thank you so much. And welcome to Craig, with thanks for your good wishes.

Thank you, all.

[nona]

Sending you light, love and courage. You will overcome. Breathe, step away from the computer more often, put your bare feet on the bare ground, take whatever steps feel true and nurture yourself a bit more. Consider the Thomas Merton quote about the 'frenzy of the activist' - http://ameaningfullife.org/merton.htm. Your voice serves a touchstone for me and the way you have chosen to share your journey is deeply appreciated.

[Juan Cole]

Leila, I just heard. Very best wishes for a speedy recovery!

cheers Juan

[Leila]

Thank you, Nona and Juan. Much appreciated, and welcome to Dove's Eye View...

[Sophia]

Dear Leila,

I have enjoyed your blog on an intermittent mode. Would it be in other circumstances (other than the recurrence of your illness) I would say that I am enjoying your blog much more now.

On a sad note, my mother died in the middle of the civil war in Lebanon from cancer at the age of 42, I was 22. It wasn't treated agressively enough. I always thought, and it is still my conviction, that seeing her family shattered, and the sadness around, killed her.

On a brighter note, I have an 80 year old friend. We see each other every morning to walk our dogs, and occasionally when we have to exchange books. She went through three cancers, the last one was two years ago, and survived them all. Although we have more than 30 years difference in age, she is a dear friend and a model for me.

Take care of yourself in any possible way, ignore us.

Reagrds,

Sophia

[Leila]

Well, Sophia, if you're enjoying the blog more now, perhaps it's because I'm being more honest?

Thank you for your kind comments...

[Sophia]

Leila,

It is easier for me to be more honest. I am anonymous for many on my blog. It is difficult when you expose yourself on the web to maintain a certain balance, especially when you are not alone in this world and you have a husband, family, children, and friends.

So I understand very well your early reservations.

[Ibn Bint Jbeil]

peace to you, leila. peace and hope and understanding and prosperity and friendship and long life and joy and wisdom.

[Leila]

Thank you Ibn Bint Jbeil... and thanks for dropping by.

[Julie]

Beautiful post Leila! I am with you and I love you!

[Dr Jeff Aitkin]

I've been successfully recommending via my health practice MC-S to a number of breast cancer patients.

A very dear friend of mine died recently, and she was quite young, only 33. If you know someone who is affected by breast cancer or yourself you might like to read some of the details on www.mc-s.com.au

[Donna]

Leila, I've been lax in visiting my friends on the web so did not know about this until I read your post today. I'm glad you are ranting, that you are taking the steps you need to recover from this bout and that you have so many friends who share their love with you. And I share your feelings about the state of the world (one of the reasons I have loved reading you these past few years).

You are in my prayers.

[Jonathan Edelstein]

Like the previous commenter, I've also been lax in keeping up Internet relationships lately. A lot of things have been happening to me and mine, some good and some bad (and most a bit of both) but all time-consuming. Today was the first I learned that you had been diagnosed again.

I'm typing this in a state of shock, but I have faith that you will survive and prosper. One thing I learned about you, both during your past episode of breast cancer and throughout your life, is that you have an indomitable will to live. You have the support of your family and friends, which is half the battle won, and you have the strength not to fall into despair.

You will be, once again, in an unbeliever's prayers. Those of two unbelievers, actually, but I guess it counts the same.

[gloria p]

Oh, Leila, I am so sorry to hear of the return of your Dark Cloud.

Your spirit and eloquence are inspiring.

Please accept more prayers and recovery wishes from another unbeliever.